every single moment in my life has lead up to this moment. me writing this blog is a result of the accumulation of my experiences. from the biggest mistake my mother ever made to the biggest mistakes i have ever made. my strengths and my faults. every thing i do in life is my subconscious response to every single tiny insignificant passing moment. it really amazes me some days. i consider myself really lucky to be who i am. my life is really very good. i love my life. i love my family and i love my past. i have nothing to be angry over or sad over. sure, i have my hangups but those things are just part of the bigger picture anyway, and i feel very strongly that if it weren't for those hangups i wouldn't have the strengths in the other areas of my life that i do.

i have spent a long time being uncomfortable with myself and my choices. i have spent plenty of time being angry at my circumstances and my place in the world. and i have felt guilty for being the white male American i am because of things that people did long ago that have nothing to do with me. and i have always been the type to lay down for others to feel more comfortable.

but now i feel ready to be selfish.

being a human being is a really amazing thing. we have made so much from the earth around us. some would argue that humans have screwed things up for the rest of the world. or that we don't live a natural symbiotic life with nature. well that is bullshit. we are just animals after all and we do what is in our nature to do. and our nature is to shoot for the stars at whatever cost. when we are gone from this planet we will have been but a sore throat in the history of the earth. the 70 or 80 years that i will have spent here will add up to nothing when the sun explodes and the earth melts and humanity is no more. so im gonna watch my tv and eat my cheeseburger and draw my pictures and drive my car.